The Beatnik returns...

Beatnik Betty is back...

After nearly a year-long hiatus due to economic and recession-related distractions, I'm back, based now in the great Northwest of Portland, Oregon.

In addition to practical and spiritual advice, I'll be sharing other items of interest, including media reviews (music, books, movies) and other news articles of interest. Please feel free to make suggestions, or submit a question or problem you'd like some Beatnik feedback on...

The photograph to the right was taken on October 31, 2009 at a Halloween party in Portland. I'm dressed as my usual Beatnik Witch self. The cigarette holder doubles as a magic wand!

Thank you for joining me in my return here at Oh, Betty Mo'.

Brightest Blessings,

~B

004 - how to deal with toxic friendships

Dear Betty Mo,

I was hoping if you had some advice for me about a friend. I have a close friend whom I used to live next door to. We've gone out and partied together many times and been there for each other through rough times, particularly last year, you could even say we were best friends for a while.

I have not been wanting to hang out with her this year though because shes always negative about everything, and she seems to relish in it.

I am afraid she might be borderline racist. She has gone on dates with neo-nazis/very racist men before and I don't see how she doesn't think its a problem (especially me being a a woman of color).

She is always making colorful jokes and she seems to lack any sympathy for people of color (she has empathy for poor people though, her being one of them). She grew up self-described "white trash" so in the past I've been able to shrug off some of her comments are just having been raised that way but its really starting to bother me. So I have heard made racist jokes many times before but she claims she doesn't REALLY think that.

We both hated our school last year but I decided to pick my battles, move on, and try to enjoy my life, while all she seems to do is complain about our school, be superly antisocial, do lots of drugs (mostly prescription drugs), and dates terrible guys who are assholes. Everytime we talk about guys, and she complains about how the guys shes dating are jerks, and I tell her to date nicer guys, she says she is just attracted to guys who are assholes and can't help it. I tell her she can do much better, but she says that she can't do much bettter because shes fat (I don't think she is, she is a bigger woman but she goes to the gym way more than I do.). I really like her I do, but shes way too much negativity to be around, and I don't know what to do. What should I say? I feel like she always has a negative attitude when I see her, and I feel like she's content trying to bring me down with her.

She frequents goth clubs and I've gone with her, but she seems to surround herself with negativity. I love countercultures but all these combined behaviors worry me.

Sincerely,
A Concerned Friend
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Dear Concerned Friend,

When I received your message, I felt heavily for you and reflected on past experiences of my own dealing with people who were negative or "toxic". This isn't an easy situation, because while you care about your friend and have history with her, you still have a right to look out for your own well-being and feel comfortable about those you share your life with.

Since you are a student, it sounds as if you and your friend are both young and therefore still getting a grip on your new "adult" identity. Self-confidence is a major issue facing young women today. When we make bad choices, it can be because we don't think we deserve something better, or we don't know what those better options are. It is sometimes a challenge to identify the higher road to take.

That being said, one problem you describe is your friend's racist comments that offend you. Whether you or she are black, white, or blue, a friendship is ideally based on mutual respect. When your friend makes derogatory comments about race, you have a right to be offended, and a right to express that to her. It's important to do this in a way that is not perceived as an attack, but rather sharing your own view and requesting compromise. If this friendship is important to you, you're going to need to attempt communicating your needs to her and give her a chance to meet them.

If you have the unfortunate experience of hearing more racist remarks from her in the future, you may want to consider pulling her aside and gently saying something like: "I want to ask something of you. I know those jokes about race [insert specifics here] are humorous to you, but they really make me uncomfortable because [insert specifics] and I would feel better if you would not say them around me. Thanks, I would really appreciate it. "

As for her disastrous taste in romantic partners, I wish there was a magic wand I could wave that could save all women from bad relationships. Unfortunately, people cannot be changed unless they are ready to change. Self-awareness is a constant struggle to be honest with oneself about why and how we live our drama-filled lives. Not having a positive male figure in her life growing up may have contributed to her lack of ability to find healthy partnerships as a young adult. Certainly don't spend time with her and her unsavory partners if they make you personally uncomfortable. Giving her the number to a local domestic violence group to "keep handy" might not be a bad idea either, but is perhaps too presumptuous in this situation. In any case, you are not responsible for her bad choices, and while you can and should tell her that she can and should do better, the consequences are not yours to bear.

As with any problem you may face with a friend, it is reasonable to bring your concerns to their attention in a way that allows them to respond with a friendly and cooperative attitude. If their behavior in response to your petitions are filled with more negativity, denial, blame, or any other unhealthy behavior, you also have the choice of wishing her well but cutting your ties and moving on with your life.

If you have another close friend or two, it wouldn't hurt to let them know what is going on and how you plan to handle the situation, now and in the future.

Generally speaking, "goth" clubs and other alternative-lifestyle scenes are fine and good while people are exploring it in a healthy, safe, and creative way. Anything that starts to become unhealthy or dangerous, however, require immediate concern and action to remove oneself from the situation. Remember also that actions can sometimes speak louder than words, so be a good role-model by "walking your talk".

I consulted the Native American Medicine Cards for you this evening. A card literally jumped out of the deck as I was shuffling and reflecting on your situation. The wisdom of the Medicine Cards calls upon an animal to share its teachings with us. Your situation has summoned quite a cute little guy...

Prairie Dog - Keyword: Retreat

When situations like what you face take so much out of your time, energy and emotion, it can literally be a "drain" on your life-force, and may consequently affect other areas of your life. Remember to take care of your Self first, and if that requires hiding away from the world or a situation for awhile, Prairie Dog encourages you to do so.

Here is a link from another blogger which shares the full text interpretation of the Medicine Card for Prairie Dog.

Thanks for writing. I hope your friend is responsive to you when the right opportunity is found to discuss these issues, for both your sake, and hers.


With the love and support of the Goddess,
Beatnik Betty

askbettymo@gmail.com

003 - how to breathe through your nose

Dear Beatnik Betty Mo',

I've got a shitty cold that plugs up my right nostril but not the left. Ironically, taking a decongestant makes things shittier by plugging both nostrils. Breathing through my mouth leaves me a drooling mess.

Any advice on how to shake this cold? Thanks.

Jennifer Deseo

Editor, The Silver Spring Penguin

www.silverspringpenguin.com

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Dear Jennifer,

I hope you are doing your best to keep that germ-infested cold to yourself and not passing it along to the hard-working writers over at the SS Penguin!

As you probably know, bacteria and viruses are everywhere, including doorknobs, countertops, and other frequently touched items such as your computer keyboard and mouse. Although we're past preventive measures at this point, it couldn't hurt to keep those places germ-free with a strong disinfectant wipe. Kill whatever germs may still be around to prevent your sickness from getting worse.

Also, you may be running up your hot water bill by doing this, but hanging out in your shower with the hot steam will start to loosen the congestion and give you a fighting chance for the relief you seek.

You're not going to like what I'm about to tell you, but I have it on the best authority that these next steps will help your congestion:

First, grab some Alka-Seltzer Plus tablets, drop 'em in a glass of water, and chug. The taste is disgusting, but the medicine works and gets into your body fast.

Next, prepare for more discomfort by conducting an at-home nasal saline irrigation. The Neti Pot is a useful tool that will actively clean your nasal passages by thinning the mucus caught on the tiny nose hairs called cilia.

Although I purchased myself one of these nifty little pots last year, I never got the guts to use it on my own ol' factory. Several friends have, though, and the reports of their experiences all sound pretty much the same: "It was disgusting, but it worked!". So although I cannot give you detailed instructions based on personal use, I have located a video on YouTube that will instruct you on its methods.

Lather, rinse, repeat, until your nose is once again happy and you can breathe freely. By the time you're ready to write your next review for the Silver Spring Penguin Local Licks installation, your head won't feel so clogged that you can't hear the ground-breaking (and possibly mucus-thinning) sounds blaring through the amplifiers.

Get well soon, and good luck figuring out proper use of the Neti Pot. I might just serve tea with it.

From a bacteria-free bubble,

Beatnik Betty Mo'

email your questions to askbettymo@gmail.com

002 - how to be a buttoned-up bohemian

Oh, Betty Mo',

I like your idea you got going on. I totally support you! i have a thought for you: in your opinion, what would you describe the difference between beatnik and being bohemian? cause i've always considered myself to be kind of bohemian. And since I'm in the military, where you are forced to conform to one standard, how do you think I could get back to that bohemian mentality? any insights are greatly appeciated!

-Bohemian Soldier
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Dear Bohemian Soldier,

Alert! Alert! A hippie has been mis-appropriated into the military! Execute the rescue mission!

Just kidding. All kinds of creative and progressive people work for the military these days for a variety of reasons. (No particular reasons are actually coming to mind, though... hhmmmm.) I thank you for entrusting me with your cultural conundrum, as I can certainly see how a distinct set of limitations are placed in front of you for feeling as though you are connected to your True Beatnik Self, from hair-length limitations to battle-gear fashion standards. (At least the Air Force gets to wear berets!)

My research on the terms 'beatnik' versus 'bohemian' reveal there is a great deal of overlap with some slight differences. In either case, despite your enlistment in the uniform-clad militia, know that it is the 21st century, man! And lucky for us all, our new President is one cool cat!

Bohemians are known for being unconventional, romantic, and avante-garde artistical and philosophical-types. Being in the military, perhaps you can think of your deployments as a form of life-wandering, or drifting at the whim of Fate like a gypsy. You're probably rather busy protecting and defending our Nation on a daily basis, but what little time to yourself you may have could be spent reading some Kerouac and Bukowski, writing some raw prose in a journal, listening to some good jazz and learning Bob Dylan lyrics. And thank goodness for the Internet because you can rent a host of films from the era that will put your state of mind right in the thick of the time's culture.

And I don't want to leave you hanging there, so to get you started, I encourage you to watch this clip on YouTube for a dose of beatnik goodness:

Tomorrow is a drag, man.

Who you are as a human and spiritual being is not defined by what your wear or who you report to.

The District of Columbia has a vibrant spoken-word and poetry scene, with poets from all walks of life sharing their experiences and viewpoints. I remember one poet in particular had experience in the military and had several poems that described his experiences or made reference to his memories of being a soldier. There is no shortage of inspiration from both the devastation that we suffer and the blessings we relish in life.

Also, to get in touch with your inner activist, there are plenty of aid & charity organizations that are associated with the military that might interest you. There may even be political clubs that are of a more liberal and progressive agenda that exist on your base. Ask your commander where you can find more information about local organizations to join so you can achieve that self-actualizing feeling of applying your skills and talents exactly where you want them.

There's a PBS Frontline film that might interest you called 'Bad Voodoo's War', directed by Deborah Scranton, which gives a look into war from a National Guard soldier's perspective. From the link there, you can explore blogs written by other soldiers, and maybe even start composing your own Milblog, if you are so compelled!

Bottom Line: Being a Beatnik is a state of mind, man. It is not a hairstyle, nor a pair of bell-bottoms, nor a book. Be yourself and be inspired, and you'll find your Beatnik Balance.

Snaps,

Beatnik Betty

Email your question now: askbettymo@gmail.com.

001 - how to fly without abandoning your nest

Dear Beatnik Betty,

How do I reconcile my need to get out and see the world with my desire not to break the ties of family and friendship?

Sincerely,

BlueJay

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Dear BlueJay,

Thank you for being the first person to ask for that special kind of beatnik advice to your existential dilemma. First, your statement assumes that you cannot have one without the other. Why can't you convince your Father or cousin he's cool enough to hang with you at that next Reggae Music Festival? Taking your family with you to explore your passions can be an eye-opening family-bonding experience for both. Do you have siblings? They can make solid travel companions. Expanding your horizons includes traveling to distant places, as well as further discovering what is right in front of you.

The world is your family, and it is filled with new people waiting to be your friend. Expanding our social circles and life experiences is part of being human, so no one should expect you to forfeit that experience in order to remain "loyal" to those who are currently blessed to be sharing moments of life with you.

Stay true to yourself but most importantly, keep those lines of communication open with friends and family so your goals and plans can become a part of their lives, too. And relax, because although our friends and family miss us when we are not around or exploring something intensely, the joy they will feel from hearing about your journeys and adventures in the world will outweigh any resentment they may have from your absences.

Bottom Line: You can grow and change without cutting ties. Make your life-adventure one that is inclusive, at times, of those around you.

I have pulled a very appropriate tarot card for you to reflect on:

Knight of Swords -- A man of loyalty, highly values his friendships, does what is honest and right. Conscientous goals.

Thanks again for asking Betty Mo' for some beatnik advice. I hope I've been helpful.

With Iridescence,

Beatnik Betty Mo'

Ask your question now by emailing askbettymo@gmail.com.

Oh, Betty Mo'!

It is just starting to settle down in the District of Columbia today from the week's momentous Inaugural activities. For as close as I live to our new President Barack Obama, I could roll a crystal ball down the street and it would ring the doorbell to the gate of the White House in just 20 minutes.

Although I look forward to the many positive changes so anticipated on macroscopic levels, I admit I am hoping for more selfish, personal evolution and growth, in many forms. As an ambitious woman in my late twenties, I've payed my dues and toiled relentlessly at a handful of decent jobs that payed little respect, opportunity for advancement, or livable wages. There is some semblance of a career that is forming and I have long-term goals that I aim for and sometimes reach. I stay active in creative communities and activist networks, and somehow manage to keep myself busy and alive during these trying times.

I don't claim to be an expert on any aspect of life, but I keep myself open to wisdom, inspiration, and practical knowledge. For many years, I have studied spirituality, psychology and relationships. I yield my failures and suffering and experience and achievements to great lessons and a burning ambition which have shaped the person I am today.

A part of me is compelled to offer thoughts and advice to whomever could use an empathetic and intuitive ear and some practical advice to guide actions toward balance and sanity. If there's something I haven't directly experienced, I likely know someone who has. In response to questions that may be asked, I may sometimes consult other sources of research to refer you to, or perhaps reflect in a spiritual way using Tarot cards or meditation to direct my answer.

Thank you for joining me, and, please open your minds and hearts to identify the question I can answer for you.


Forward marching,
Betty Mo'

***Please leave your questions for advice in a comment below, or e-mail askbettymo@gmail.com.